Oh, sorry.
Anyway. I feel like pushing people away again. I think I will. I've already lost contact with everyone I thought I could at one point rely on in person. Everyone else is just getting sucked down in the wake of my, or their own, misery.
I don't presume to know much about anything these days. I don't intend to pout in a corner because of this fact, nor will I wave it in anyone's face in particular. Right now, I'm just a shell. Y'know, like that Cicada shell you see on your garage door or the bottom of the tree branch. Eww! Don't go near it! The empty, meaningless shell might bite you! Then again, there's no confiding in the hollow man, is there? I don't even know what I get out of writing these. I fell captive to the sandman's lullaby ages ago. Wait - aren't dreams based on reality and relation to the dreamer? Ah, that's right. Even if that were so, I haven't had a 'pleasant' dream in... God, I don't remember. 'Sweet dreams'. What a misguided lie.
Anyway. My chair collapsed on me last night. Turns out I've probably got a bruised rib (I hit it on my foot board on my bed - sticks way out).
I s'pose someone should call the waaahmbulance for me. Well, I've found myself sour with a lot of past things. I never quite forgave them, but I never confronted these issues, either. I think I'll be my old self and just attack people in my own way for the things they've said to me, lightly or heavily, whether or not the suckerpunch they delivered was intentional.Perhaps I'll attack someone so they'll make me cry. Threaten me with something that might actually hurt. I'unno. Excommunication sounds good. I'm not a masochist - I'm just numbed to all the efforts my family puts forth at demeaning me. I'm even numbed to my own attempts at feeling reality again. Hell, tell me I'm a horrible person and I'll always be alone. It's true, innit? I don't think that'll work. Tell me it's my fault that I won't ever experience the family I thought I had? Hmm. I don't know if that'd work either. I'm pretty well unaffected by that remark by now. Call me a 'fat, useless bastard'. Oh! How about, 'a mentally handicapped accident'? That's why no one wants me! That's right. It's either the alcohol present at time of conception, or it's the nature of the conception, but somehow I was born a fuck-up. That has to be it.
I don't know. Someone tell me something and snap me into reality. I'd suggest simply banning me from this website, but I'm indifferent now. I greatly appreciate that $spyed purchased my subscription, but I warned him: I won't use it. You guys hate me. The ones that matter 'politically' anyway. I'm just a dramatic pervert, or something else. I'unno. Blah, blah, blah, all fruitless banter. I don't even know why I keep typing. I've said what I need to say.
Someone stab me in the back this time, instead of in my face, please. Maybe it'll scare me into doing something healthy for a change, like sleeping in my car instead of this house. kthxbai.
Devious Comments
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=Texasdevmeet:it's what for dinner
StJoan, M.D. of DramaLlamaology
Literature GM at your service.
I don't know if you will take this to heart, because I don't know if I would have at the time... but if you can, please get help. Despite all the things you're seeing and feeling at the moment, you *are* worth more than that.
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"If you ever get reincarnated as a puppy, I'll kick you." -- Darryl
What does help is when I receive a comment like yours.
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Каждая хаотической становится гармония.
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Каждая хаотической становится гармония.
Take this to heart. I didn't have anybody here to turn to. I attempted suicide, I stayed in my room for days on end, I used alcohol and Nyquil (no joke) to escape. Three things helped me get out of that dark pit I was in. One was my cat. Silly as it sounds, he actually stopped me from suicide once simply by walking in the door. I looked at him for the longest and then thought "who will take care of you if I'm gone?" In retrospect it seems an odd reason, but at the time it was enough to make me put the gun down. (I never claimed my mind was stable...) The second thing was God, who still helps me these days. I didn't believe in Him, but I went to church, I read about Him, I gave it some thought, I looked at things rationally. Now there's no doubt in my mind, and I honestly have that to thank for my current state of mind. I still have my very bad days but it's nothing like it used to be. The third thing that helped was exactly what I said above--reaching out to others. Again, it sounds trite, but I went on a mission trip, I volunteered at some charity events, etc. I saw people who had an even worse time of it than myself, and it helped put things in perspective.
Sorry for the looonng comment, but I really hope something here sticks out to you... you've been on my mind lately. Maybe we can help each other.
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"If you ever get reincarnated as a puppy, I'll kick you." -- Darryl
As far as suicide, I attempted that years ago. I still have a very slight scar on my wrist - not even where I was going to drive the knife. When she grabbed me to stop me, it dug the tip into the side of my wrist. Barely a nick, but it's still there. That action has scared me crapless with the thought of suicide, and needless to say, it's not what I'd ever consider an option, ever again. The horrid part of this, though, is the girl that saved me later committed suicide herself.
As far as reaching out to people - that's something I'll have to try again. Seeing the position people are in often times simply breaks my heart. What sickens me, however, are the people who have EVERYTHING and take it all for granted. I've bent myself over backwards to try to fix things in my own life, even to have ONE person I could truly call 'family'. It all comes back and spits in my face the moment I even suggest 'I care'. Curse? I'unno. I don't believe in karma anymore; I have yet to see legitimate payback for anything. God testing my faith like Job? Nah. I denounced faith publicly several years ago. Why test what isn't there? At this point, the only thing that ever keeps me going is the fact that people DO have it worse, far worse, and some even find joy through their troubles.
At this point, I've only had one friend truly keep their promise to me. She promised never to get mad at me for anything I said - I have a tendency to say STUPID stuff sometimes. She's a great listener, and always offers advice. But there's no eye contact - only text on a computer screen. I don't have anyone else who bothers or thinks me relatively dire enough to respond to within the following two days. I think that's why I have all the thoughts of threatening and attacking. Perhaps I just want them to show enough thought toward me to want to cut things off. At least I'll have had SOME influence, eh?
Don't apologize for the long comment. It's impossible to find people who can write out thought-filled responses these days, keeping consistent, and helpful, content. It's very much appreciated.
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Каждая хаотической становится гармония.
Suicide is still something I struggle with at times. It's gotten better lately, but I tend to have highs and lows--I've not been diagnosed with manic-depressive disorder or anything of that nature, but I think I might have a mild case. Or maybe it's just part and parcel of the artistic personality. I was married for a year and then we split up, and I insisted he take his handgun with him... it just made it too easy to go through with things when those moods threatened to overtake me.
I, too, pretty much have nobody to turn to. I currently have a roommate who is nice, but distant, and has his own life going on. The friends I do have, like you, are almost all text and avatars. I seem to be very good at making casual acquaintances--like at work--but all the close friends I once had are gone (parted ways after high school) and I haven't made any new ones here even after three years.
I don't really believe in karma either, or luck. But I do believe in a fair and just God, even when circumstances otherwise seem completely in opposition to it. I trust that His vision is much more clear than mine, and what may fulfill the allover plan may suck for me right now. Right now I'm just banking on leaving it all behind one day, and being rewarded one day in heaven. Some people laugh and say that's crazy, some say it's too good to be true. I say there's enough evidence of God in His entirety to make that truth at least a serious possibility, and... well, what have I got to lose?
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"If you ever get reincarnated as a puppy, I'll kick you." -- Darryl
I don't mess with the idea of suicide anymore, as I'd mentioned in my last reply. However, I do find myself in a corner often times breaking down due to a deathwish. Seeing the possibility of one and acting as a catalyst is suicide in and of itself, so I won't go down that street. But at most points in my life, I'd give anything to have a semi-truck roll around a corner and land on me. Anything. At this point, I'm socially murdering myself. I get no response from people I trust, and our banter typically turns into me being the bad guy, even if nothing offensive was done or said. Beyond these few people generating text on my phone or computer from time to time, I have no one else to attack, or to attack me. I'm invulnerable right now, and that's my biggest weakness, particularly in my emotions.
I've developed a lot of ticks and addictions with the way my 'social mind' has developed, or rather, remained uneducated. I take things so seriously in my head, and I put the words together perfectly, but I can never express what I mean to say, no matter how many years I practice the speech, no matter the verbosity, or lack thereof, no matter how simple or complex they may be. Because of this, perhaps I'm not taken seriously - I don't know. But, the next time someone two-faces me, I'll attack them with as much verbal ferocity as I can muster, which I am defeated enough to admit is far from much at all.
I don't want my entire album to be grim, macabre or even melodramatic, but it seems that the only things I ever find myself in need of expressing are about social death and distortion, rather than love or beauty, as it used to be, and should have continued to be. I've cornered myself, but at this point, it doesn't matter how I got here anymore - the way back was destroyed. I need a new way out, and people aren't helping with their psychological roadblocks and false promises. Even if the promises aren't lies, they do more damage than imaginable when not carried out.
This is my biggest problem, above ALL else, in the church. People promise. Christians promise. But they promise that THEY will do something, and as all humanity seems to do, they fail. But they fail harder than anyone else, because they imagine these miracles they can do, when not only are the actions they promise pathetic, but petty in the eyes of the God they so quickly claim to follow verbatum.
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Каждая хаотической становится гармония.
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